Why is coaching helpful for ADHD (part 1 of many)

Imagine yourself standing in the center of a huge circle the size of your town. You could turn and face any of the 360 degrees around you in the circle. There are 359 other directions that are not the direction you’re currently facing, and all of them will land you in very different spots if you just keep walking. Let’s say you want to find some food, but the only direction you are given is “not the way you’re facing”. You can see how saying only where not to go don’t want doesn’t give much clarity. You could end up at the gas station eating an 18-hour-old burrito, or at the new delicious Thai place with all the twinkle lights in the historic district. Many of us are so overwhelmed, that it feels like there’s no time to look up directions. We end up eating old burritos.

It can also feel vulnerable to even speak out loud our own preferences. Sometimes, they get in the way of what others want. Sometimes, we’ve gotten so used to dismissing them, we don’t know how to access them anymore. Instead of, “I don’t want this mess”, or “I’m tired of being tired”, try saying:

“I want to have energy tomorrow.”
“I want a home I feel at ease in.”
“I want to feel confident in my career.”
“I want more calm and peace.”

It might seem easy to read those words—but try saying them out loud…
Like, right now.

I mean it.

Seriously.

Say the good thing you want (without saying the bad thing you don’t want)—out loud.

Did you feel…a little…silly?
(Okay, besides the fact that you’re talking out loud to a blog?)
From my experience, most people feel this way. Especially those of us with ADHD.

Speaking what we want out loud can feel a little terrifying—because with intentional choices comes ownership. With ownership comes the very vulnerable responsibility of facing, “What if it doesn’t happen? What if I go for it, and fail? What if I apply for this job and get rejected. What if I get all the way across town, try the curry and it’s too spicy for me? Am I owning that it’s up to me to find a way forward, even if I fail sometimes. Even if I disappoint someone else with my choices…gulp.”

I’m not saying your entire life is up to you and your words are stardust that create reality. There are privileges, and struggles, and family you inherited. There is loneliness and community. We are ALL swimming in our own sea of what we’ve been given and our preconceptions. And it is part of our work to reach out and built connections, to find our place in not just what we can get, but how we can give.

But all of it, all of it, requires returning over and over to your own ownership over what you’re going to do next. And that kind of mental tenacity in choosing to reappraise your situation instead of ruminating is a practice.

I sure as heck am still working on it, and I imagine I always will be. For those of us with ADHD, the fact that the things we desperately want to do—are often the very things we can’t get ourselves to do—is really freaking painful.

When we name what we want, it’s like a huge spotlight shines on all the things that aren’t helping us get there: procrastination, blaming and shaming (ourselves or others), staying up till 2:00 A.M. to experience some peace at the cost of our energy tomorrow, what-iffing our lives away, expecting different results from the same actions, and of course, comparing ourselves to all those super-organized, efficient, responsible people who in our minds always have their ish together. (Ever notice how the people who seem to have it all together are always the ones you don’t know very well? I digress…)

Anyway, facing all that stuff…it’s a lot.

And this is exactly where ADHD coaching helps.

ADHD coaching helps you define the future you’re aiming for, and the steps you’ll need to take to get there. It helps you get curious about what you want and why. It gives you a space to reflect on what brings you joy, what strengths you’re minimizing, and what gives life meaning for you. Wanting is allowed, hope is allowed, and the frustration of “why is this so hard?” is allowed too. It’s a space where you’ll learn about the mechanics of how your brain and nervous system work differently—a space that doesn’t dismiss how difficult it can be to have a brain that can do incredibly complex, creative things and at the same time struggle to put the laundry away.

When you have a place where all of you is seen and understood—your hope, your fears, your patterns, your very real struggles, and your delightful quirks—the next steps towards where you want to go stop feeling cloudy or impossible…and start feeling like an exciting challenge you actually want to take on.